The Top 5 Most Embarrassing Revelations From My Sweet Sweet Child

Parents are NEVER immune from honest revelations from their children… It doesn’t matter if you are the most secure person on earth, your child will betray publicly anything and everything you try to hide privately… And they are NOT easily impressed.

Even when you are the President of the United States, if you make corny jokes, your children will betray you. Sasha and Malia Obama were FORCED to go to the turkey pardon this year, and their Dad’s corny jokes about pardoning CHEESE the turkey were no match from the sullen “teen-face” both the girls threw his way.

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And if Barack Obama is not immune from the honest criticism of his kids… no one is!

This got me thinking about the most memorable moments when my child has publicly shamed me! Right now, Harper is still young… I can’t imagine what is in store for me in the teenage years!

Here goes…..

1) The first is a lovely rendering Harper completed for her Art Class… She was asked to please draw a picture that represented something special that had happened to her. While some kids drew pictures of houses and swing sets… She decided to go this route, with a horribly embarrassing occurrence I was trying to keep quiet from EVERYONE!!!

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This drawing represents a “special” and HORRIBLE event when our small dog took revenge on us when we left him alone in the house for two hours!!! Guess you can’t get any more special than that! It might’ve earned Harper an A… But it earned me an E for Embarrassing!

2) When Harper was 3-years-old, we were moving to a new house, and I was rushing to take her to preschool before the movers arrived. Just as we arrived at her preschool, she said… “I am hungry.”

In the bustle to get out of the house, I FORGOT TO FEED HER BREAKFAST!!!

I absolutely HAD to get back home before 9:00 to meet the movers, and I had nothing to feed her… Until I remembered some Junior Mints that I still had in my purse from a trip to the movies a few nights before…

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I quickly handed them back to her and said, “Hurry up and eat these! I’ve got to go!”

She responded with complete elation… “You’re feeding me candy for breakfast?!?!? You be the best mommy in the whole word ever!”

As I walked her into her classroom, the mommy-guilt was running high. I felt like the worst parent in the world, and I was kinda nervous she would tell her teacher, which wouldn’t make me look good at all… No it would not!

It was then that I kneeled down in front of her, and begged… “Look, Harper,” I said. “I’m sorry I fed you those Junior Mints, but I am in a hurry because of the movers. You just have to promise me this one thing… Tell NO ONE about this. Don’t tell any of your friends…. And DO NOT tell your teacher. Promise me that Harper. Promise me you won’t tell anyone I gave you Junior Mints for breakfast!”

“I promise, Mommy,” she told me…

Then, she walked into the classroom and immediately shouted, “Guess What?!?!? My mommy give me candy for breakfast!!! She the best mommy in the world!!!”

“No, I didn’t,” I lied straight to the teacher’s face, before running out of the classroom… effectively teaching my child bad nutrition habits and also how to lie.

3) While standing in line at the grocery store, when my child was 3-years-old, a woman stood behind us with a generous amount of unwaxed facial hair.

Harper pointed to the woman and in a loud voice said… “IS THAT A WOMAN?!?!?”

“Yes,it is!” I said, smiling and looking at the woman… “And she is sooooo beautiful!”

4) Once at a racetrack, a four-year-old Harper and her friend were bored. A kind man with a gentle yellow Labrador Retriever told the girls they could pet his dog. While we all turned away watching the race, the girls were playing with the dog behind us. I wasn’t paying attention until I heard Harper say, “What are these, Mommy? The doggie has funny fur spots!”

When I turned around, I was horrified to see Harper and her friend holding the dog’s testicles and petting them like two small mice.

“Girls! Get your hands off the dog’s privates!!!” I shouted, like a terrible scene from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. The man turned around as well with a startled look… “Thanks! They love dogs!” I said, before whisking them away.

5) At a Tiny Tot Dance Class, Harper at age two, sat in a circle with five small girls. The teacher posed a question to the class: “Tell me something that makes you different!”

One girl said… “I have a doggie!”

Another girl said… “I love my Kitty!”

Harper said… “My Mom feeds me wine!”…

In truth, I DO NOT feed my child wine.

I have no idea how she even knew about drinking wine…

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But… The bottom line is this… You can run, but you can’t hide from your child’s honest and sometimes cringe-worthy revelations… Not even when you are the President.

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The Top 5 Backhanded Compliments From My Sweet Sweet Child

Recently, the TODAY show featured a mother named Johanna Stein, who recorded her four-year-old daughter asking her such sweet questions as… “Hey Mom, did you take a shower today?  I don’t think it worked,” and “Sometimes your mad face makes me laugh.”  You can view the segment here:  http://www.today.com/parents/mom-records-her-4-year-olds-unfiltered-adorable-insults-2D80195972

Joanna’s video of her daughter’s insults has gone viral, with people chiming in on both sides… Some who think her daughter needs to be taught a lesson in respect…  And others who identify with the sweet honesty of children.  I am part of the latter.  My child has posed some lovely insult-compliments to me and will no doubt share some more with me this week.

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So… In honor of the honesty of children… I decided to list my TOP FIVE FAVORITE INSULTS MY CHILD HAS POSED AS COMPLIMENTS:

1) Once, when Harper was three, I stepped on a the scale hoping to see it go down.  I let out an exasperated sigh when it hadn’t…  Harper gently put her arm on me and said… “Don’t worry mom, you’re still fat.”

2)  Last week, when I took my daughter to Target, I gave her strict instructions… “Okay,” I said… “We are going in there, getting what I need, and coming straight back out.  No toy aisle.  I’m not dressed for shopping.”  Harper looked at me gently and said… “You look fine.  I’ve seen hobos in there before.”

3) On a visit to a retirement center, a rather stylish elderly woman in a pantsuit was sitting in the foyer when we walked in.  The woman, a stranger, waved to me in a friendly way and said hello.  “She’s pretty.  How do you know her?” Harper asked me as we walked away.  “Did you go to high school together?”

4)  A few weeks ago, when I dressed up for a fun night on the town, I walked out feeling pretty confident, looked at my daughter and said… “How do I look?”  She was quiet for a moment before she said… “I don’t know… Are you trying to look good?”

5) When I picked up Harper from school, after having my hair colored and styled that morning… I said… “Hey, notice anything different?”  “Yes!” She said right away.  “You have a little mustache!”

What is the lesson in this?  When you have a small child, have some thick skin, a good sense of humor, and don’t expect your self-esteem to come from the well from someone whose world is still governed by honesty and not tact.