The Top 5 Most Embarrassing Revelations From My Sweet Sweet Child

Parents are NEVER immune from honest revelations from their children… It doesn’t matter if you are the most secure person on earth, your child will betray publicly anything and everything you try to hide privately… And they are NOT easily impressed.

Even when you are the President of the United States, if you make corny jokes, your children will betray you. Sasha and Malia Obama were FORCED to go to the turkey pardon this year, and their Dad’s corny jokes about pardoning CHEESE the turkey were no match from the sullen “teen-face” both the girls threw his way.

yf6kfgkd6icyznsk3jya-2

And if Barack Obama is not immune from the honest criticism of his kids… no one is!

This got me thinking about the most memorable moments when my child has publicly shamed me! Right now, Harper is still young… I can’t imagine what is in store for me in the teenage years!

Here goes…..

1) The first is a lovely rendering Harper completed for her Art Class… She was asked to please draw a picture that represented something special that had happened to her. While some kids drew pictures of houses and swing sets… She decided to go this route, with a horribly embarrassing occurrence I was trying to keep quiet from EVERYONE!!!

IMG_0705

This drawing represents a “special” and HORRIBLE event when our small dog took revenge on us when we left him alone in the house for two hours!!! Guess you can’t get any more special than that! It might’ve earned Harper an A… But it earned me an E for Embarrassing!

2) When Harper was 3-years-old, we were moving to a new house, and I was rushing to take her to preschool before the movers arrived. Just as we arrived at her preschool, she said… “I am hungry.”

In the bustle to get out of the house, I FORGOT TO FEED HER BREAKFAST!!!

I absolutely HAD to get back home before 9:00 to meet the movers, and I had nothing to feed her… Until I remembered some Junior Mints that I still had in my purse from a trip to the movies a few nights before…

junior+mints

I quickly handed them back to her and said, “Hurry up and eat these! I’ve got to go!”

She responded with complete elation… “You’re feeding me candy for breakfast?!?!? You be the best mommy in the whole word ever!”

As I walked her into her classroom, the mommy-guilt was running high. I felt like the worst parent in the world, and I was kinda nervous she would tell her teacher, which wouldn’t make me look good at all… No it would not!

It was then that I kneeled down in front of her, and begged… “Look, Harper,” I said. “I’m sorry I fed you those Junior Mints, but I am in a hurry because of the movers. You just have to promise me this one thing… Tell NO ONE about this. Don’t tell any of your friends…. And DO NOT tell your teacher. Promise me that Harper. Promise me you won’t tell anyone I gave you Junior Mints for breakfast!”

“I promise, Mommy,” she told me…

Then, she walked into the classroom and immediately shouted, “Guess What?!?!? My mommy give me candy for breakfast!!! She the best mommy in the world!!!”

“No, I didn’t,” I lied straight to the teacher’s face, before running out of the classroom… effectively teaching my child bad nutrition habits and also how to lie.

3) While standing in line at the grocery store, when my child was 3-years-old, a woman stood behind us with a generous amount of unwaxed facial hair.

Harper pointed to the woman and in a loud voice said… “IS THAT A WOMAN?!?!?”

“Yes,it is!” I said, smiling and looking at the woman… “And she is sooooo beautiful!”

4) Once at a racetrack, a four-year-old Harper and her friend were bored. A kind man with a gentle yellow Labrador Retriever told the girls they could pet his dog. While we all turned away watching the race, the girls were playing with the dog behind us. I wasn’t paying attention until I heard Harper say, “What are these, Mommy? The doggie has funny fur spots!”

When I turned around, I was horrified to see Harper and her friend holding the dog’s testicles and petting them like two small mice.

“Girls! Get your hands off the dog’s privates!!!” I shouted, like a terrible scene from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. The man turned around as well with a startled look… “Thanks! They love dogs!” I said, before whisking them away.

5) At a Tiny Tot Dance Class, Harper at age two, sat in a circle with five small girls. The teacher posed a question to the class: “Tell me something that makes you different!”

One girl said… “I have a doggie!”

Another girl said… “I love my Kitty!”

Harper said… “My Mom feeds me wine!”…

In truth, I DO NOT feed my child wine.

I have no idea how she even knew about drinking wine…

mom-drinking-huge-glass-of-wine

But… The bottom line is this… You can run, but you can’t hide from your child’s honest and sometimes cringe-worthy revelations… Not even when you are the President.

IMG_0705

It’s Real To Me, Dammit!!!! A Night with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Professional Wrestling is fake. The debate has been settled. Yes… I know they actually get hurt… They actually jump off turnbuckles and do their flying head kicks and occasionally break things…

I’m talking the story lines.. They are all so FAKE!!!! Vince McMahon’s daughter was NEVER kidnapped by aliens…. And while Hulk Hogan in real life might be a total D-Bag… His hero in-ring persona was only ever dictated by a group of writers paid to write soap operas for men.

However, there are some among us who still believe. This clip which highlights this large man’s love of wrestling is BEAUTIFUL in every way. And sometimes… Sometimes… I go to sleep at night watching it.

If there was a trophy for passionate believers of oily men grappling each other in short-shorts… This dude would win it!

But thank goodness there are things we still CAN believe in… Like Reality Television…

Just like Monday Night Football, Sunday afternoon Golf Games, and whatever bowling-league night is called… In home-parties across America, Tuesday November 18th, was Opening Day for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and the rosé flowed.

real_housewives_beverly_hills_season_2_cast-300x209

In solidarity with the rest of my American sisters, I sat down with a group of my best lady friends and we toasted off Lisa Vanderpump and her brood of money-loving body-obsessed celebritantes whose problems are real and are in NO WAY manufactured.

Come on, people… It’s in the title… The Real Housewives… THEY ARE REAL!!!!

IMG_0262

Perhaps you remember my wild band of friends from a night out we had a few months ago with former child celebrity and hobbit, Sean Astin, where we rushed his table like a group of celebrity-obsessed lunatics sat down with him for wine and tapas at a quaint little restaurant in Calabasas.

My good friend, Molly…

IMG_6733

…rolled out the red carpet for all of us, putting out all of our favorites: A fabulous cheese assortment, including a delicious apple-baked brie, lots of yummy tapas and deserts.

IMG_3632

Molly had even added a touch detail with a Sangria/Champagne combo called the Saint Vanderpump, in honor of the Grand Dame, herself.

IMG_8465

 
As we sat down amidst the delicacies… The air was ripe with excitment. Kyle Richards… The “good girl” of the Housewives was to have her annual White Party.. so named because everything at her party is the color white… And everyone at the party will be wearing white.

taylor-armstrong-kyle-richards-camille-grammer

Though the girls and I were not wearing white for Molly’s Party… We did eat a lot of white cheese… And we did have white crackers to go with it.

Though the food may be different, and the entertainment various levels of strange… One thing that is always the same… At Kyle’s White Party, everyone might be wearing white, but none of them will be acting like saints. There will be drama and lots of it.

tumblr_nfdbd3NJaX1qjs7cno1_400

It is not uncommon at Kyle’s White Party, for people to get drunk, shout profanities, threaten lawsuits, and slap one another. This has been going on for ten years and every year, no one behaves.

For most hostesses, this would signal an end to The White Party. Once, some kids came to blows over a pinata at one of my Birthday parties growing up. After that, we had no more pinatas. Kyle Richards would laugh in our faces and call my mother a wimp. Kyle Richards WILL have a White Party, and if someone dies there, that’s just how it goes.

The White Party began to heat up when nemesis Adrienne Maloof showed up with a man less than half her age…

tumblr_nfbg72SGyY1qhts2vo2_1280

The reality of this caused quite a stir… And just as the Real Housewives were starting to amp it up… Those of us at Molly’s party refilled our drinks and started to discuss a number of things…

Such as Common Core Homework, which for some of the women at our party, has really amped up since the kids entered the fourth grade…

But those are all trifling matters compared to the real problems the Real Housewives were having… Because when Brandi Glanville found out Adrienne Maloof had shown up at The White Party without any kind of notice… Boy, was she pissed.

About this time… Nasim started comparing the different poops of her babies…

IMG_3230

A problem that, by-the-way, has nearly brought her to tears on a number of occasions, as we can all agree that never in our wildest mommy fantasies… did we EVER envision how much poop would be involved, the sleepless nights and rashes it might cause, and the handling and dissecting of it.

Listening to Nasim’s poop nightmares made me reach for another Saint Vanderpump…

IMG_5075

Which is a good thing… Because just as I was taking another sip… So were the Real Housewives… And it was in that moment that things really got dicey!!

Real Housewife… Brandi Glanville had about enough of Adrienne Maloof’s presence at The White Party… And she did the thing that EVERYONE does at Kyle’s White Party before a showdown… She pulled Adrienne aside to “have a word alone” with her… LOOK OUT!!!! Drinks are about to fly!!!

As Brandi and Adrienne began their on-screen confrontation…

One of the ladies at our party confessed that a woman at her work had gone home with what she called a “menstrual blow out,” which was a story so bizarre and disgusting I wouldn’t believe it, if I didn’t personally know the woman relating the story.

It was at the height of the story of the terrible blowout that Real Housewife Brandi left The White Party in a huff… And Real Housewife Adrienne left not long behind her… Once again, Poor Kyle Richards invested thousands of dollars in her cherished White Party only to see it dissolve to drama and petty gossip.

Poor Kyle. Her White Party has been sucking for years.

giphy

I am glad to say that at Molly’s party… No one threatened a lawsuit… No one showed up with a man less than half our ages (though it wouldn’t have been a big deal if that happened)… And we all finished the evening without a good slap, punch, or drink poured on our heads.

IMG_2919

Every time the intensity heats up for those Real Housewives… One of us will always say… “Do you think this is staged? Do people really act like that?”

Well… Does it matter? Was Hulk Hogan ever really enraged enough to break a chair over Andre the Giant’s head? Is it really worth debating? Just pull up a chair and enjoy it.

And we did…

Prison Rules on the Playground

escape-from-alcatraz-1

Awhile back, my daughter was having an issue with a friend.  This child pegged my daughter as a BFF.  Initially, Harper was on board with it… As time passed, though, it would be apparent that this child was a nightmare.  She would cry when she didn’t get her way, push and shove Harper, and revert to saying unkind things if she didn’t have complete control all the time…

Secretly I called her Nellie Oleson…

images

But… Really… She was way worse.

Her parents thought everything this child did was cute and had a “kids-will- be- kids kind of attitude” which aggravated the situation more.  And by situation… I mean ME!

Now, advice books, and parenting blogs and local “Parental Nurturing” classes at the Learning Annex will tell you “to include everyone in your child’s play” and “Children need to be given the proper tools for unwarranted disagreements in the field of life”.   Proper tools? Unwarranted disagreements?  No.  The only advice I needed was from a convicted felon named T-Bone Jackson.

When I was a fourteen-year-old teenager living in Alaska, my parents befriended T-Bone.  We hadn’t lived in Alaska for very long when T-Bone showed up at our front door, frozen and in need of cash.  My Dad was a Southern Baptist minister and my mother was a teacher.

Despite being homeless, and having several run-ins with the law, T-Bone was quite pleasant… He became a loose extension of our family for a while. My mother would drive T-Bone around… To the Social Security Office… To the Unemployment Office… To the Men’s Shelter.

He sat next to me in the minivan and we would talk about all sorts of things.  It was on one of these ride-alongs that T-Bone would often impart advice to me.  Most of the time it was the run-of-the-mill obvious advice like… “Don’t do drugs,” and “Don’t trust the government;” or “stay in school” and “don’t try to outwit the Vietnamese.”

But one day, after no particular prompting, T-Bone said.  “Don’t you ever go to prison, Amy.  You’d never survive it.”

“Whatever,” I said, blowing him off.  “I would never end up in jail T-Bone.”

And I had no reason to believe that I would.  I was enrolled in mostly advanced classes in my high school.  I’d won First Prize giving a presentation on table setting at a 4-H Fair.  I achieved the highest honor awarded in the state drama competition playing the role of Helen Keller.

“Not about doing good or bad,” he said, like he was talking to a mindless rube… ” A person can wind up in the can for any sort of thing.  All I did was flee the United States Military and protest on the steps of a federal building… They hauled me off… But…I did okay in prison.  That’s because I had it in me…  But you…. You’d fail there.  Keep your nose clean  That’s all I’m sayin.  Those prisoners would eat you alive.”

“I’d do fine in prison.” I informed him, offended by such an assessment. “People like me.”

“Yeah, That’s the problem girl. You be Miss Nicety Nice… Talk’n all the time……But in the penitentiary, whoa girl… No ones gonna give you a cookie for acting all Little Miss Muffet… You want to have a  friend in prison?  Pick up the good book and talk to Jesus… Jesus be your only true friend in prison.. He’s nice-and-quiet… Gotta keep to yourself in prison… If you gonna be chatty?… instead of gettin’ a cookie, you best be ready to be the cookie.”

“Whatever,” I told him, taken aback.

“And don’t let anyone give you no prison tattoo.  You’ll end up tied to the White supremacists.”

I promised T-Bone that day that I would never go to prison and I would never join a white supremacist gang.

But something more stuck with me… The idea of keeping to yourself.. Taking things in… Not being too quick to be everybody’s friend.  It was the calculating idea of assessing a situation before running full-force into it.  T-Bone had said it simply, but I used his advice when entering new jobs… When trying something I had never done before, and I found that it worked.

Twenty-five years later… Lost and unsure how to advise my child… I  passed his advice down to my daughter…

While it might not be the most politically correct way to look at childhood… If a person really stands back and takes a long look at the playground… They will see similarities with a prison yard.

I’ve taken T-Bones observations and added a few of my own.  Hope this helps.  I call it:

Prison Rules: 

How to survive elementary school.

1)  Keep to yourself.

This was T-Bone’s first instruction and it still stands.  Keeping to oneself gives a person a chance to assess the situation.  Don’t rush up on people.  It scares them.  WAIT… Don’t force yourself into the Barbie play-a-thon.  Think like a criminal.  Ask your child the same thing I asked my child… What would John Gotti do?  Would he force himself into a game of cartoon tag?  Would the man that the FBI would call “The Teflon Don” ask in a whiney voice… “please guys… let ME be the Red Rover this time…”  NO!!!  John Gotti would NEVER DO THAT!  Neither should your child.  Your child should stand back against the fence… stalking the situation… Teach your child, as I taught mine to walk up to a group of kids with a kind of loose swagger, holding a toothpick in her sweet mouth and say… “You got room for another?”  If the answer is yes,  Joy!  If the answer is no, your child should shrug and say something like.. “No matter to me,” then head back to the fence.

John_Gotti

2) Don’t be too chatty.

Wow.  This is a given.  Loose lips sink ships.  Some people… Like experts in the field… will talk about communicating, the sharing of feelings…  Don’t do it!  It’s a terrible idea.  Whenever people start “sharing feelings” that leads to vulnerability, which leads to a knuckle sandwich… Swallow your feelings.  Work them out in therapy later…  But on the playground…  Be quiet.  Silence is fierce.  That’s why all the gurus, Gandhi (also an inmate), Nelson Mandela (did 30 years) value silence.  Silence is golden.  Teach your child to be quiet and watch… Your child will be happier than a child who talks constantly.  Dakota Fanning and her prosaic observations are only funny in the movies.  In real life, they would earn her a good punch.

tumblr_mea4r9Fy4R1rjdp66o1_500

3) Trade up.

necco-wafers1-open_1

I can’t say enough about this one.  Prisoners who can successfully trade up manage a life of significantly more ease than the ones who can’t.  You have a pack of smokes in prison?  That could get you a full set of toiletries… It’s the same on the playground.  Don’t ever trade a good ham-and-cheese sandwich for a packet of Necco Wafers.  Necco Wafers are THE MOST DISGUSTING CANDY  ever made.  A sandwich should go for no less than three Oreos.  Three Oreos should go for no less than a Snickers.  A Snickers should get your child a hall pass.  Do you understand how this works?  Have you sat down and really watched Good Fellas with your child?  If not, you need to do that.

931b7312dc9659eab49d46e12c58775d

 

4) Have a skill.

In prison, having a skill can mean the difference between a cushy job in the prison library and a horrible job cleaning latrines… What can your child bring to the playground that another child can’t?  Can your daughter braid hair?  Better yet… Can she braid a fancy braid like Elsa’s hair in Frozen?  She could become quite a friend magnet if she can do this.  Can your son effectively make arm farts?  Have you taught him that?   That’s a skill every young boy desires.  Will your son one day go to West Point?  It’s skills like this that will pave the way for that path… And if by some chance your son ends up in prison, this will serve him there too.  Prisoners love arm farts.

 

5) Get busy living or get busy dying.

the-shawshank-redemption-the-shawshank-redemption-16632577-1600-900

Alright… T-Bone didn’t give me this one.  I got this one from The Shawshank Redemption.  But… It’s worth saying.  In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne was a man wrongly accused of a crime… But he understood deep in his heart that freedom was something that could be found anywhere.  Bartering for beers while tarring a prison roof… Blasting Opera music out into the prison yard even though it meant time in the hole… Andy Dufresne had the kind of freedom in prison that most people don’t enjoy on the outside.  So should your  child.  It’s all a mindset.

This is good advice on how to survive prison.  It’s also good advice on how to survive school.

I may not be a doctor, or a psychologist, or an expert of any sort… But I am a Blogger.  And I did once have a good friend named T-Bone Jackson.

I’m proud to say… Harper still hasn’t gotten any prison tattoos.

The Top 5 Backhanded Compliments From My Sweet Sweet Child

Recently, the TODAY show featured a mother named Johanna Stein, who recorded her four-year-old daughter asking her such sweet questions as… “Hey Mom, did you take a shower today?  I don’t think it worked,” and “Sometimes your mad face makes me laugh.”  You can view the segment here:  http://www.today.com/parents/mom-records-her-4-year-olds-unfiltered-adorable-insults-2D80195972

Joanna’s video of her daughter’s insults has gone viral, with people chiming in on both sides… Some who think her daughter needs to be taught a lesson in respect…  And others who identify with the sweet honesty of children.  I am part of the latter.  My child has posed some lovely insult-compliments to me and will no doubt share some more with me this week.

wikiimage-1

 

So… In honor of the honesty of children… I decided to list my TOP FIVE FAVORITE INSULTS MY CHILD HAS POSED AS COMPLIMENTS:

1) Once, when Harper was three, I stepped on a the scale hoping to see it go down.  I let out an exasperated sigh when it hadn’t…  Harper gently put her arm on me and said… “Don’t worry mom, you’re still fat.”

2)  Last week, when I took my daughter to Target, I gave her strict instructions… “Okay,” I said… “We are going in there, getting what I need, and coming straight back out.  No toy aisle.  I’m not dressed for shopping.”  Harper looked at me gently and said… “You look fine.  I’ve seen hobos in there before.”

3) On a visit to a retirement center, a rather stylish elderly woman in a pantsuit was sitting in the foyer when we walked in.  The woman, a stranger, waved to me in a friendly way and said hello.  “She’s pretty.  How do you know her?” Harper asked me as we walked away.  “Did you go to high school together?”

4)  A few weeks ago, when I dressed up for a fun night on the town, I walked out feeling pretty confident, looked at my daughter and said… “How do I look?”  She was quiet for a moment before she said… “I don’t know… Are you trying to look good?”

5) When I picked up Harper from school, after having my hair colored and styled that morning… I said… “Hey, notice anything different?”  “Yes!” She said right away.  “You have a little mustache!”

What is the lesson in this?  When you have a small child, have some thick skin, a good sense of humor, and don’t expect your self-esteem to come from the well from someone whose world is still governed by honesty and not tact.